Imagine the 2022 World Cup (summer): Suarez in the goal, Peru and Pitbull

The 2022 World Cup would have kicked off today had FIFA not tore up the entire football calendar so that Qatar could host it. The athlete’s request from Jack Lang Industrial quantities of neck anesthetic Use his imagination and imagine what we might lose…

Preamble Fifi

Hello human! They gathered, they gathered. My name is FIFA Info Bot 3.0 – My fellow customer interaction algorithms call me Fifi – and I’m here to officially welcome you to the 2022 World Cup. Summer World Cup 2022, that is.

Worse than funny…the attack.

If you know anything at all about FIFA, you know we’re better than that.

No, people, it’s time now. It’s June 10, which is the day you circle your calendar the day you bought it from the FIFA online store. The sun is shining (gently!) and football is back home. to Switzerland. Thirty-two teams (the nest – more on this later), eight host cities, from ready-made Davos in the east to semi-fantasy Nyon Castle in the west.

You can almost taste the excitement inside the free champagne, right?

The first thing that comes on the itinerary is the highlight of any tournament: the opening ceremony. We have a special special treatment for you. He is an artist whose work is woven into the fabric of your culture. Not just a karakirjack performer, but one of the greatest songwriters and lovers.

I’m talking of course about the pitbull.

Pitbull opens the fake 2022 Summer World Cup (Photo: Buda Mendes – FIFA / FIFA via Getty Images)

Armando Christian Perez, born January 15, 1981, better known by his stage name Pitbull, is an American singer and rapper. Perez started his career in the early 2000s, recording reggae… Oh, sorry man, your eyes seem to pop. Sweet fantasy, I’m sure. How easy it is to trip a pitbull rabbit hole!

We must continue. Not yet in football – patience man! – But for that pitbull extravaganza. Look, down there: this is our man. And yes, he sings a duet with… a hologram of a Pitbull! My circuit boards can barely handle the excitement!

Oh, and now see. The brightest and best FIFA player also scoured the world to find 50 Pitbull doppelgangers to support singers and dancers. It’s really not very good, but the pitbull worker is through the roof. pitbull!

Group stage in bad titles

Machu Sukero: Peru and Australia made history by forming the first composite team for the World Cup after time ran out in an Intercontinental play-off. “We thought we had until November,” says confused Christian Cueva. “He really snuck up on us.”

Look who’s talking now: Romelu Lukaku celebrates his five goals against Canada by creating a custom-made Thomas Tuchel ventriloquist doll from behind an advertising stack. Yannick Carrasco seems a little afraid of that. the athlete He talks to six elite ventriloquists to analyze his style.

SUPER BLATTERDAY: The absolutely infamous FIFA legend Sepp Blatter is sending fans into ecstasy by livestreaming his attempt to attend four matches in one day on Twitch. Ricardo Teixeira and Jack Warner entered FIFA’s Permanent Jokes via video link.

GEORDIE…sure? Saudi Arabia fans are expressing their displeasure after the national team lined up for the Poland match in the Newcastle shirt last season with complete transparency. “They literally wrote the letters ‘KSA’ on one of the white bits at Sharpie,” says one supporter. “They didn’t bother removing Jonjo Shelvey’s name from behind.”

POG’S FLIP-FLOP: After announcing his impending return to Juventus after France’s tense 1-0 win over Peru, Paul Pogba celebrated his first goal in the draw with Denmark by taking off his shirt to reveal Manchester United underneath. “I just want this feeling of being a hero to last forever,” says the midfielder, amid rumors that he is now planning to move between Turin and Manchester every three days for the rest of his career.

Paul Pogba Manchester United

Pogba hails Manchester United (Picture: Getty Images)

IT’S CYMRU HOME: With England already qualified for the Round of 16, Gareth Southgate is finally feeling free to fulfill the ambition of his life: naming an entire right-back squad. James Justin starts in goal, with Kieran Trippier, Rhys James, Kyle Walker and Kyle Walker Peters through the linebacker. Joe Gomez and Nathaniel Cline play in the midfield. Trent Alexander-Arnold and Tino Livramento were assigned limping creative duties. Up front, John Flanagan — a surprise call-up to a team that some critics have described as “unbalanced” and “ridiculously stupid” — partners with Carl Jenkinson. Wales wins and sneaks through.

Look, Mum, Hands Free: Ghana advanced to the knockout stage thanks to a late goal against Uruguay in Group H – and the unquestionable moral integrity of Luis Suarez. The veteran striker had to score in the last 15 minutes after Fernando Muslera’s second yellow card. But Suarez refuses to use his hands, and despite being saved twice, is unable to stop Jordan Ayew’s header from falling into his net. “That was for 2010,” Suarez cries after the final whistle, tears mingling with blood spurting from a hole on the side of his head. In his hands… well, looks like it’s his ear. “Oh, that? I’m going to cook it for Giorgio Chiellini tonight. A little pepper, maybe some cumin, but the main ingredient is my sincere scolding.”

Grizzly knockout stages

Remember the old days? When there were three or four football games on TV every afternoon and you didn’t even have to plan what you were doing at all other than picking out a certain type of fried food that you were going to scoop into your glass? Blurry, carefree times. But it’s all over now, son. Welcome to Siriusville. Pack up.

Excitement? No, not anymore. The Holland and Wales match boils down to a match between Wout Weghorst and Wayne Hennessey, which produces the kind of timeless singles competition years from now, experts will say “definitely happened.” Weghorst eventually wins the judge’s decision in overtime, collecting the ball home with his neck, armpit and nose hair.

That makes up the quarter-final match with Argentina, who are putting pressure on Denmark and obviously don’t care about the final episode of Christian Eriksen’s inevitable Amazon Prime documentary series. The coast of Spain after Croatia after Gavi – a real kid – confuses their aging stars by telling them about TikTok and Logan Paul. Brazil beat Ghana.

On the other side of the draw are easy victories for France and Portugal over the two nice teams in the second round, Mexico and Switzerland. (“No, honestly, I didn’t really want to go to the party anyway. It’s one inside, one outside, so you have to break it. The suit? It’s just what I wear every day. Those aren’t tears! Sweaty eyes!”).

Harry Kane’s sixth World Cup penalty helps England beat Ecuador at St Gallen – Flanagan, Klein and Jenkinson came to really cement the right wing in the closing minutes – and Belgium beat Germany thanks to…Eden…Hazard? I swear I’ve heard that name before somewhere, but I honestly can’t put it down.

Hazard recovers from a miserable season to inspire Belgium (Photo: Dirk Wim/Belga Mag/AFP via Getty Images)

Quarter-finalists follow the model book. Argentina, whose players seem fed up with all those ‘Messi never won the World Cup’ memes, shocked the Dutch. Brazil beat Spain, Kylian Mbappe and Harry Maguire’s entire existence made it seem irrelevant as France wrecked England, and with Fernando Santos largely still the allure of Cristiano Ronaldo’s jet-setter, Portugal surrendered to Belgium.

The first semi-final is preceded by a spectacle confirming that Brazil, which has been oddly calm thus far, has finally made it to this tournament.

As Argentina’s players take to the field, men in yellow are nowhere to be seen. Then the floodlights went out. A strange piano line rings on the PA. Then Thiago Silva comes out carrying a burning torch and weeping uncontrollably. When his teammates join him, and a small wooden boat is moved to the center circle, it becomes clear what is happening.

They are organizing a full Vikings funeral for Neymar, who has sprained his ankle against Spain and thus cannot play.

David Luiz came from Rio to lead the 35-minute vigil.

It is very impressive. Brazil loses 4-0.

The next day, France beat Belgium in a match whose details I will delete here because I really want to not write this article anymore.

Coda Vivi

Hello again, human! Hope you enjoyed last month. The weather was not very fatal, wasn’t it? Sure enough, the air-conditioning bill seems acceptable to me, and the notion that migrant workers…

(painful whistling sounds)

Difficult. Reboot. I started.

(four minutes later)

Hello human. My name is FIFA Info Bot 3.0 – My fellow customer interaction algorithms call me Fifi – and I’m here to officially welcome you to the 2022 World Cup.

(more whistling and buzzing)

Looks like we are…yes, my system files confirm that we…it’s now July 10th. Sunday. The day of the grand finale. Argentina vs France.

And yes, human beings, as it was always written in the stars, the night is about every single man.

look at him. It is wonderful, the very concept of perfection becomes flesh. He moves with the grace of a hummingbird, as if the laws of physics give him freedom of passage. If I had veins, I would ask you to inject his essence into them, figuratively speaking, human beings. Blessed are we to be in his presence on this historic night. He is the first man to perform in both the opening and closing ceremonies of the tournament. My kind, gentle prince.

The match itself is good. Messi scores two goals and Argentina wins.

Is that all you want, man? Does that satiate your thirst for summer aid? It has been a pleasure to serve you and inform you. I leave you, as it should, with the FIFA logo. Let her guide you, even in times of strife.

for the sake of playing. for the world. for pitbull.

(Main Graphic – Images: Getty Images / Design: Sam Richardson)

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